you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
