I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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