rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
