FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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