I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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