Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
