I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
