Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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