i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize