I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
