Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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