Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
