he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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