I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize