YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
