I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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