***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
