i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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