At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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