dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
