non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
only if we run a train.
done.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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