even my farts smell like vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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