The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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