Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
