I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
