I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
