I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
