how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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