There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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