Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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