God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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