I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
