Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
