My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
