So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
