First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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