He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
