I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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