i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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