last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
