dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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