I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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