ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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