I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
