I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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