Your tits are I can't wait for
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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