just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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