I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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