moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize