That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Randomize
