So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
