Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
