Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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