so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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