On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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