Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
