Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
